Goals That Make Me Nervous

Seriously making goals makes me nervous because it leaves room for failure. I don't care anymore if I fail I want to try and not be afraid that failing once or eighty times is the end. I want to fail and try again and not feel bad for doing it. So anyway here are some goals and I want them to be public.

1.  Alright this might sound weird but I was reading a book on clutter and he takes about how our lives are too cluttered. And that multitasking isn't a great accomplishment you are basically saying, 'I am so good at giving some of my attention to 2-4 different things at once but the whole 100% of my attention rarely is concentrated on one task. He says to stop multitasking. Now I feel that as a mom this may be impossible but I want to try for one week to not multitask. That means when I am driving in the car I will be only driving. Watching the road and knowing what I'm doing. I will get my work done while Elenor is sleeping so when she is awake I can devote all of my attention to her. So no more multitasking for one week.

2.  This one seems seriously impossible but I will not yell for 1 week. Now some may think this is so easy well you aren't me and you don't have my life so you don't understand for me this would be an amazing thing and I want it more than anything. I was reading a blog post my Mom posted a link to and these woman are just like me they yell out of their own frustration or because they are having a bad day and I don't want my personal issues to reflect in the way I speak to Elenor. I want to always speak with love even when I am being stern with her because what I am talking about is important or she is in trouble or was doing something dangerous. So I will start with a week and then hopefully I'll be able to go to two weeks and so on.

These are my goals this week. So Just to make it kind of a weekend I will try and post my update next Friday May 31st and tell you how I did.

My Elenor is Two!

Sometimes I can't believe how fast the past two years have gone. It feels like yesterday I was in the hospital knowing I was in for a journey, and then going through it was difficult. I can still feel how the Lord really carried me through the most difficult times at the NICU and truly I felt him carrying me the entire time. I felt peace even though I also went through so many other emotions. That experience all feels like it just happened, and yet, when I look at Elenor it feels so distant. She is no longer my tiny two pounder she is over twenty pounds and is just so adorable.

Some of my favorite things about her right now is she wants to be just like her mommy. If I am eating eggs she wants eggs, if I say mmm while eating eggs so does she (it's rather adorable). She loves to talk about who's stuff is who's, Mom's cereal... Elenor's cereal, Mom's nose... Elenor's nose, Mom's car... Dad's fast car... Elenor's car seat. She loves to play with her friends, in fact every time we come home she says, 'Elenor's house, Josie's house, Natalie's house.' She is a good little friend she loves to laugh and all of the kids love making her laugh because her laugh is one of the cutest things you have ever heard. She loves dancing and jumping and singing. She loves to test Mommy's patience and then she says one thing that makes my heart just melt. She can identify Spider-man and Batman in any form and we did not teach her this, but her Daddy is very proud. She loves to brush mom's hair and snuggle with me all the time. Oh and Daddy is still her own personal amusement park ride. She loves her cousins all of them though she does have a special love for Franklin. She loves to ride her princess bike all the time and would be outside all day long if I would let her, oh and she loves the water.

Some of my favorite stories from the past few days. She LOVES Donald Duck, and Pete, and then toss in all of the other characters too, but mainly those two. So we have been watching some older Disney movies because I can't take another episode of the Clubhouse because it's so repetitive. Anyway we have been watching Mickey, Donald and Goofy as the Three Musketeers. She loves this show, there is a scene where Donald gets wrapped up in some pipes and she laughs so hard. She'll gasp and giggles and gets all excited at all the right parts. We also have been watching Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas, this one has a bunch of different shorts, but one in particular Pluto runs away because Mickey yells at him and he ends up at the North Pole and the Reindeer take him in. They end up giving him a magic collar so he can go to flying practice with them. The first time she saw this she said, 'Oh Pluto need a helmet.' I about died, SO CUTE! And then she was watching it later on and was also reading a book we have about kids pretending to be superheros. She points at her book and says, 'Superhero flying... (at the TV) Pluto flying... Super Pluto (with a little giggle)' Oh how my heart melted. She loves books, oh how she loves them and I must say I purposely did that. Most of her toys are books, and I call them toys because I want her to think they are just as fun as a toy. She loves to read to herself or have us read to her. We now can give her many different books that we read to her at bedtime and she can 'read' them to us. Seriously I got giddy with that one too.

We love watching her little brain work. Kids are amazing and I must say that mine is super amazing! She is so kind and loving and just a good spirit, everyone loves her. I have had multiple friends that will babysit her even if they're busy because she is just so easy. She loves people and she loves getting to try new things, she is adventurous and curious. She LOVES babies, this girl will be an awesome big sister some day. I'm so grateful that Elenor came into my life when she did and that I was able to have the NICU experience, I know it was so hard for me and it wasn't what I wanted but it has made me a better mom. Thinking back about how I didn't get to hold my baby for two days breaks my heart but that first time I got to hold her, my world was right. I felt this overwhelming peace and couldn't hold back the tears. I will never forget that experience. I will never forget how everything was perfect for those short few minutes. Every time I held her it made me feel like I could push through another day, she gave me strength and I hope I can be a wonderful mother for her. I love my little miracle more than life itself and I would truly give anything to her. Thank you for being a wonderful blessing to me Elenor.

Love,
Mom

My Quest to Be Better #2

Well things are still going well but not as well as I would like. Isn't that always the case? I think once we start gaining momentum of any kind Satan tries to slap us in the face as hard as he can. And sometimes he slaps kind of hard over and over again.

I have been a rock star wife with keeping my house clean this past week. I mean I kept it clean, and I even baby sat twice for two different families that each had two kids. So three kids in my house two out of the five days this week and it was still clean. I stayed up on the dishes and I was feeling really good about myself. (I still am about this) But then Satan decided that I needed some slaps...

Slap #1 - This one I feel was the hardest slap) Elenor went down for a nap and when she woke up Nate went in to get her. Well apparently sometime before she fell asleep she pooped in her diaper, proceeded to pull the poop out of her diaper and rub it on her dress and all of her legs. Not to mention the poop that was already ALL over her hands and arms. There are pictures that I will upload once they are on my computer. I go upstairs and being the mom that I am I don't even hesitate. It's bath time. So while Nate starts a load of laundry, I start soaking my baby so I can clean off all of the poop. Let's just say there is a reason why we naturally love our children SO much right from the beginning. So when they are covered with poop we can still think they are cute, and really be mad. I feel I handled it well but through the bath I could feel my frustration mount every time Elenor would splash some of the poop water on me or when I was trying to make sure all of the poop chunks were gone so we could give her the actual bath and she decided it was the perfect time to bed over and try and get her hair wet... In The Poop Water!

Slap #2 - When you start to clean your house or think of all the things you need to deep clean do you sometimes feel overwhelmed? I hope so because I hope I'm not alone in this feeling. As I started to think about all of the things that would now need to be scrubbed because of this poop incident I was so overwhlemed i wanted to cry. I realized that even though I had done well on my dishes and on my living room there is always just so much more. And there fore I started to seriously put myself down. This will not invite the spirit like I want but also my house may not be inviting the spirit right now. So Satan got me he got me to tear myself down A LOT! But then I was sent a wonderful little reminder of his love for me.

There apparently is a weekly topic on KSL called Motherhood Matters. I was drawn to the article because it was comparing Motherhood to being a Quarterback. She talked about how everyone relies on the quarterback and we are supposed to know all of the plays and be able to read the opponent and make a plan that will help our family beat them (schedules, homework, etc) But that sometimes a quarterback needs to call an audible. There is an unexpected change in the defense and we have to read it and make our best decision possible. Yell out the new play and hope for the best. But because of our knowledge we have a great shot of making the right call especially for out own families. Well I didn't mention that the poop fiasco happened twenty minutes before Elenor had a doctor's appointment. I called an audible and handled everything well. I am capable of getting it done when it comes to my family. I read the defense and I made the right call. Anyway if you want to read more of her stuff I really like it. Her website is called MOMentity.

Slap #3 - I was hit with a wave of exhaustion that has seriously wiped me out. I'm about to have a visit from Aunto Flo and have been on the verge of massive exhaustion already so combine the two and all I want to do is sleep. I have wanted to sleep more than I have wanted anything, including keeping up on my house. And because I have been choosing sleep I am put right back into that guilt cycle of feeling like I'm not doing enough. Top that off with a screaming toddler who is teething, wants more than anything to sit on her princess toilet even though she refuses to actually go to the bathroom on it. Well Thanks Satan for the triple slap but I am ready for a break from the slaps for now.

So in another sweet answer to my own fears and shortcomings I found this blog post from MOMentity. It says what I am feeling far better than I could. Man I really have to find a way to realize that not being perfect is really just so amazing. So here's to my imperfect form of mothering that Heavenly Father has decided is exactly the kind of parenting Elenor needs. I'm so glad that my form of imperfection is just right for her. I will be the perfect mom for her as long as I am trying and that's really awesome to think of it in that context.

My Quest to Be Better #1

This is the start of my updates on my last post. I have done a few things and I am feeling pretty good about it all. Well I have looked at so many pictures of Christ now it's just a matter of picking which one we like the most. We are sorting through our wedding photos and getting them ready to be printed. I haven't been awesome with the whole going to bed early and getting up early but there have been a few days where I have gotten up at 5:45 and done scripture study and those have been awesome days.

 I also went and bought the Children's Songbook on CD and we have been listening to them in the car and Elenor loves it. I also bought the Book of Mormon set of Scripture Scouts. If you don't know what this is then you should check out their website here. It is this fun little way of teaching the basic stories of the scriptures to your kids. I remember growing up on these and still remember them word for word. I used to make up little dances to them and I remember all of those as well. Elenor thinks they are funny and she really likes them. And for me I had to call my mother and thank her because not only did they teach me so much when I was little but because I went and bought them I have already had a tender mercy through listening to them. (See below)

When I was listening to the first CD they are covering the story of Nephi and 'Baby' is playing Nephi and Sam. She sings a really sweet song and there were a few lines that just made me want to cry. I love music and how something so simple can touch you and change you so deeply. The song goes like this:

I know I'm a small one, I'm only me. Sometimes I don't do things right. But if I will follow my Father above, I will be strung with his might. Cause, Nothing's too hard for the Lord, for the Lord. Nothing's too hard for the Lord. If he has a job that he wants me to do, it's not hard for me and the Lord.
I can't write my name straight, sometimes I spill. I never can say the right words. But the Lord can do anything, even with me. Cause Nothing's too hard for the Lord. Nothing's too hard for the Lord, for the Lord. Nothing's too hard for the Lord. If he has a job that he wants me to do, it's not hard for me and the Lord.

I'm so excited to see what the Lord is going to do with me. I am relying on him and doing what I can to make sure he really can accomplish ANYTHING, even with me. I love that line. Well that's all for this update, I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Tender Mercies

Lately I've been having a hard time. There have just been little things all compiling at once and I've been struggling. I was feeling depressed and I was feeling overwhelmed with everything I felt I needed to be doing or wanted to do and then I realized something, I am trying to do too much! I know what an easy thing to realize right? Well it wasn't. I think too often there is a stigma within Utah Mormon Moms that we as mothers have to be PERFECT! Well if you think that, then you are INSANE! Yes I said it, those of you that think you have to be perfect (which included me) or those of you that think you are perfect are in fact insane.

Now this insanity can be remedied. All you need to do is realize that you do not need to be perfect, you are wonderful the way you are. This can be very difficult and it was very difficult for me. I sat there just crying over and over about anything and everything wishing I could be better and then getting overwhelmed at the idea of what I needed to do to get better and to reach this point of perfection that I felt was expected of me. And then Heavenly Father so lovingly started to guide me. He guided me through lessons, through friends, through distinct whispering of the spirit and I truly have felt his love for me in the past two weeks. It's been two weeks where at the end of it you know without a doubt that Heavenly Father knows you are there and he knows you individually and he is blessing you with exactly what you need.

I hope if there is anyone out there struggling that you will realize that he is mindful of you, he loves you, and he is there. In the midst of our struggles we don't always see it but pray to him rely on him and you will be blessed in the end. I hope that your moments of peace and love are coming and that you will know of his love for you.

Anyway that was a side tangent but it is also my testimony of this subject. But as I realized I can't be a perfect wife, mother, and woman, I was able to make some real progress and decisions in my life. First off I have decided that I want a stronger influence of the spirit in my home. I want to have the spirit be so strong that you can feel it as you enter. I feel that if I work on that and only that, all of the other things will fall into place. You may think this naive but I think it inspired. I'm not saying there won't be work involved to reach my other goals but I realize that if I really am striving to have the gospel be a constant member of our household the other stuff will be covered. Here are some of the things I am planning on doing:

1. I am going to have a beautiful picture of Jesus in our kitchen which is one of the most frequented rooms in our home.

2. I am going to have many pictures from our wedding in the temple in our Family Room, to remind us of the covenants we made there and the wonderful day that we became a forever family.

3. I deleted all of the quick buttons to the games on my phone. I replaced them all with 'church' apps. I found some really awesome apps and I can already see a difference. I discovered that I truly was ignoring what was important by playing games on my phone. I was doing this because I didn't want to face the things I felt i was failing at. Tender Mercy - I downloaded a scripture a day widget and the first scripture said seek to avoid idleness (deleted apps) and then another one said something along the lines that you will be blessed when striving to live the gospel!

4. I am going to try and have wonderful music in my home. I want to have music be the main source of noise rather than the TV.

5. I am going to start going to bed early and getting up early. I have already noticed a huge difference in my demeanor.

Alright those these are the first five things that I want to work on. I have noticed a difference already just in the few things that I have done. I truly feel that I will be able to accomplish all of the other things so much easier if I can have the spirit be a strong presence in my home. For example just by doing one of the five things listed above I have more energy. I have wanted to clean to invite the spirit even more. I have wanted to be slow to anger and enjoy every second I have with Elenor. I have things that I want to do, but I am realistic and try not to get overwhelmed. I am grateful for the fact that I can take this one day at a time and that I am learning. I am learning how to deal with my own insecurities and learning that where I am at is perfect because I'm trying and I am growing. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and for the fact he is mindful of me. I'll keep you posted on any other goals as well as how these are going.