Looking Back at the NICU

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my experience in the NICU. Maybe it's because so many of my friends are having babies, some of which are making it to their due dates and others are being born early. Or maybe it's just looking at Ele and feeling so grateful that she is mine. Either way I have a few moments that I want to make sure I don't forget. Fair warning these are personal so it may get a little sappy. :)

I remember the first time I got to see her. I was so sick and just wanted to see my baby. I was so sad I didn't get to really even see more than her little feet because I was on such high meds I couldn't stand up to see her. I was so discouraged because I just wanted to be by her. I did get to go up later and I was with my Mom and sister Anna and I could tell Ele was upset. This was I believe when she was two days old. I started crying and backing away because I could tell she was over stimulated and the only thing I could do was remove myself so she would be okay. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to have others pull back. The nurse could tell and mentioned that she was getting overstimulated. So everyone backed away. It was so difficult for me because all I wanted more than anything was to have my little baby in my arms. Anna and my Mom were so understanding and helpful but I felt like I couldn't help Ele and I had the strongest urge to do something. Then the nurse told me I could hold her that night at her 7PM feeding and I was so excited. I have never wanted anything more than that. As I came upstairs to hold my little girl with Nate in tow, I was tired and so emotionally drained from everything I couldn't contain my emotions. Ele had started crying just before I walked in the door, the nurses said that a baby can smell their mom from 50 feet away and they know when a Mom is on the floor because the baby starts to get upset wanting their Mom. As she handed my little baby to me the monitors attached to her weighed more than she did. She stopped crying and then she started searching, she wanted to eat. :) This little girl was the most precious thing I had ever seen. She snuggled up to me and they fed her I believe 5mL of milk through her tube and she went right to sleep. For the first time since having her I felt a peace like I had never felt. I relaxed and I was so happy. It was the most amazing moment I could have asked for. I just sat there crying because I was so overcome with emotion. I started to sing to her and of course it was the primary songs that she loves. She was so sweet, it was the most amazing 15 minutes of my life. I had waited two full days for those fifteen minutes and they were totally worth it. Nate got to hold her the next day and then finally we got to start holding her twice a day so in the morning I got her for 15 min, and then in the evenings Nate got her for 15 min. We only got to hold her twice a day until the week before she came home. Though the times got longer and because I started feeding her I got to hold her twice and then after feeding her each night Nate would get his turn.

There was one distinct time when we decided we needed a real date night and that we had to pull ourselves away from the hospital. We went to see the lights at Temple Square. I felt so guilty for leaving her. We went to an earlier feeding and then went on our date. We stopped for pie on our way home and I called to check on her because I missed her so much. The next day we went in for her 7PM feeding like normal and a nurse came over to us and said, 'is this the time you usually come at?' I said, 'yes.' She said, 'I can tell, she missed you last night, she's usually the easiest and happiest baby that we have but we had to hold her to calm her down last night because she missed you guys.' Now some may think that my guilt would have intensified but since my big worry was not connecting with my baby this was the best news ever! My baby not only knew me but missed me. I just cried and held her and sang to her like I did every time I saw her.

Now I want to write about one of the worst days I had while Ele was in the NICU. There were a few days in the beginning when I just longed to be able to hold her and take her home with me. But the worst day I had was Thanksgiving. I didn't think not having her for just a meal would be a big deal but it just seemed to be a horrible day. We had been trying to have Ele nurse, she was amazing at it but was still small. Our Occupational Therapist Annie, said she had never seen a baby so small and so far away from their due date do as well as Ele did. This was encouraging, little side note to lighten the mood, she also thought it was hilarious that my boob was four times bigger than Ele's entire head. Anyway we started test weights, basically we wanted to weigh Ele before feeding her and then after feeding her, how ever many grams she gained was the same amount of mL she had drank. She would have a good day and then she would only get a few mL. It was frustrating and hard to deal with I felt it was my fault that I just couldn't give her what she needed. The nurses didn't make it any better when they kept saying she's little we don't expect much from her at all. She's too little to nurse. I was so hurt because I knew Ele could do it and why would they discount her just because she was small. She was capable and showing all the right signs. I just felt like everything was against us. She was doing so well yet all the nurses kept saying for how little she is I would plan on taking her home after her due date. Why would you say that to a woman who has been in the NICU for almost an entire month. I felt every hope I had was being dashed away and I was never going to get to bring my baby home. I felt because I only got to hold her twice a day that my baby wouldn't connect with me or I wouldn't connect with her and we wouldn't have as strong of a bond. I was terrified she would know her nurses better than me and she wouldn't like being home. But I was determined to prove them wrong I wanted to keep doing the test weights. Anyway Thanksgiving morning my Pediatrician called me. He had taken over Ele's care at the hospital so he called me daily to tell me how she was doing. He told me he wanted me to stop test weights for awhile. I was devastated. I just kept saying okay while tears streamed down my face. I don't think he was ready for the answer to his next question. He said, 'I feel like you are saying yes hesitantly, are you sure you're okay with this?' I just broke down. I was sobbing on the phone and told him, 'It's just so hard. I feel like there is no end in site. I feel like everyone is discounting her because she is little and I know she is strong. I feel like I'm not able to bond with my baby and that the nurses will only let me do so much. I'm just exhausted and no one will even give me an estimate as to when she's going to get home. They keep saying they don't expect much of her and that I should be hoping for sometime after her due date. In fact one lady asked me if I was shooting for Christmas and when I said yes she said well I wouldn't because it is definitely going to be after New Years. I just feel like I can't do anything for my baby and I just want to be there for her.' There was a long pause and then he tried to make me feel better but since he kept mentioning how if she had been born even 20 years ago I would have held her for two days and then I would be burying her. Is not really what a mom wants to hear for comfort. He told me that he thought that it was too early to give a timeline a few weeks later he said that he felt Christmas was very doable. But he said we could give Ele her baths. This was exciting but that night was her not bath night. They do an every other night thing. So we had to wait. Anyway we went in to see Ele and I was just a mess I couldn't stop crying it felt like all of my fears and emotions from the whole ordeal were deciding to let themselves out that day. We left after a few hours and went to my brother's house for Thanksgiving Dinner. It was so hard to see everyone there with their families and know that mine wasn't with me. I wanted to be with her and be holding her. Everyone wanted to ask questions about her but I didn't want to share my fears and my shortcomings with them, so I just tried to give them answers that wouldn't make me burst into tears. I think a few people noticed but I just wasn't prepared for it to all be public. My sister Suzy tried to cheer me up by encouraging me that she would get home soon and how her son Max had gone home at 2 weeks and 2 days. (PS I am not upset with Suzy by any means, she was a rock for me during all  of this) And all I wanted to do was scream, I wanted to scream out this is her 2 week and 2 day mark and she's not coming home. She's not even close! I wanted to just cry right then and there because I wasn't so lucky, in fact it ended up being five more weeks. I knew Ele wouldn't come home as fast as Max but I thought that we would at least have an estimate as to when she would come home. I started to pull away and not stand so close to the family because I didn't want to talk about it anymore. Everyone was talking about how cute all the kids were and look at how many grandkids we have now. While I know that no one was trying to hurt my feelings or try and make me feel bad, that day was horrible. It was just everything being said while I was already having such a hard day. I felt alone. I felt like I was in a spinning hole that I would never get out of. I felt I was doomed to be at the hospital four hours a day for the rest of my life and that I would never get anything more with my baby. I wanted desperately to be one of those moms that complains about being up all night. I wanted that experience not this one. I wanted the experience of looking down at my baby during a night time feeding and being able to have that bonding moment. I wanted it all and I felt like I was missing out on everything. I was so discouraged and then I felt bad because I knew other mom's had it way worse than I did and why should I complain. It was a pity party mixed with severe guilt and a longing for my child. As the days went on it did start to ease and I was able to handle life.

I was scared for her one month birthday because I thought it would be really hard on me but it ended up being a very sweet celebration. I was starting to truly feel the comfort I needed and I was realizing everything that was happening was strengthening me. It was a miracle for me to have my baby in the NICU. It was what I needed. Looking back even though it was the hardest thing I have ever been through I would do it again. In fact Nate and I have discussed this at length because we know there is a real possibility of this happening with our second child. and we realize now that we are stronger than we ever thought and that we could handle doing it all again. It's strange to me that I now feel this way but I guess that is the wonder of Heavenly Father.

Ele's Blessing Pics

Elenor was blessed on April 10th, 2011. It was such a wonderful day and I talked about in my previous post. I have uploaded a few pictures so you can see her super cute dress. Also the blanket she is on was cross-stitched by my mom Kitty Mortimer. I think she did a great job. If you can't see what it says it has Ele's birth stats listed. 2 lbs 2 oz 15.5 in Also the super cute crocheted shoes were made by my friend Mary Freckleton, she also made Ele a purple pair they are so darling and fit her perfectly. Enjoy the pics.

Elenor's Blessing

This Sunday April 10th 2011, was wonderful. We were able to finally bless Elenor. We waited so we would be able to have Elenor be stronger and so we could bless her during sacrament meeting rather than at home. We thought of blessing her at home but I have always wanted to experience the blessing and getting to see my baby held up for the congregation. Anyway Nate let me have a wonderful day on Saturday, I got to pamper myself. I bought a new dress, got a pedicure and had a very relaxing day.

On Sunday we got up and got ready, had a great morning, and headed off to the church. After being in quarantine for so long it was really nice to see everyone from the ward. Everyone has been so loving and supportive and to get to see them and be so warmly welcomed was a wonderful experience. We had family there and Nathan gave a wonderful blessing. Elenor was just a little angel. She didn't cry and actually slept through most of sacrament meeting. We then had a lunch and spent a great afternoon together as our little family. Ele's dress was so cute, and she was so happy.

I'm so grateful for everyone that has supported us through everything. And I can't wait until this quarantine is over so we can take Elenor out anytime. We're planning on having a few parties so we can introduce Elenor to all of you in installments. We don't want to overwhelm her so we'll keep everyone posted.

I'm so grateful for the wonderful gospel and how much we have been blessed through this whole thing. I know Heavenly Father is here with our family. I have felt his support through others as well as through the spirit everyday. I have felt him hold me up on the days I felt nothing was right. I have had friends call me literally the moment I was breaking down and just needed someone to listen to me and let me cry. I have felt the wonderful support of my husband and have become ever closer to him. My family immediate and extended has been there for me every step of the way. I know I have been carried through this experience and I love knowing that. I know this experience isn't over and there will still be many hardships to come, not just in life but with Elenor and her growth. But I know I will be carried through, it will still be difficult but I know Heavenly Father will be there for my family and I through everything. Thank you again to all of you that have been the answers to our prayers. We love all of you.